Dealing with abrasive personalities

Lately I’ve had the pleasure of coaching a number of managers who are aggressive or abrasive. That’s right I said pleasure!
 
How can it be that these challenging individuals can be great to work with? In this week’s LeaderFeeder I want to share some insights and ideas for you, including the concept of relative vs. absolute abrasiveness. 
 
Relative Abrasiveness
 
Think of Aggressive/Abrasive behaviour as a continuum. At the extreme far end is a sociopathic narcissist. At the other end is passive/wimpiness.
 
None of my coaching clients is ABSOLUTELY abrasive or aggressive. They are RELATIVELY abrasive compared with the culture of the organization they work in.
 
In many cases, they were specifically recruited to turn around situations, departments or divisions that were off track. Initially their tenacity for solving problems pays large dividends. Unfortunately their style can really irritate other people and after the big problems are solved, people focus less on the results and more on the behaviour.
 
In fact when we measure the thinking and behaviour of these abrasive managers we sometimes discover that they are very constructive individuals operating in a very passive culture. Because the abrasive manager is task focused, he or she can be insensitive to the impact they have on people.
 
Instead of vilifying these aggressive managers, perhaps the organization needs to look in the mirror to see if the overall culture is too passive. By working together, the organization can benefit from being more results-focused and the aggressive manager can shift to being more people sensitive.
 
Conflict in itself is not bad. It is essential for effectiveness in organizations and relationships. Managing the conflict constructively is the best way to get maximum benefit from the aggressive manager while minimizing collateral damage to the organization.
 
Reflection Questions
 
Are the aggressive/abrasive people you know absolutely evil or is the corporate culture too soft which only serves to highlight the person’s task focus? Should your organization embrace accountability while at the same time taming the abrasive manager?
 
Action Items 

• View the individuals you find abrasive or aggressive with curiosity instead of judgement.
• Determine if the organization would benefit from being more task/results driven.
• Realize that is often impossible to reach absolute equilibrium between people and tasks.