As you might imagine, as a paid expert on communication and leadership, I get some well earned ribbing at home from my wife Robin because of my poor listening skills as a husband and father. Once I made the comment that she just didn’t pay me as well as my client’s did for me to be a good listener. After a few days in the dog house I understood that payment can be in many different forms.

How can I be a very good listener in selling and coaching situations and so poor at it at home?

In the same way, my teenage children can be remarkably poor listeners at times and yet hear the faintest whispers of a private conversation I’m having with my wife.

Perhaps you suffer from the same affliction – selective listening. Chances are when your boss or a customer is communicating you pay more attention and you may even lean in to hear a juicy bit of gossip. And yet when a coworker or employee approaches you, your listening skills plummet.

It turns out our selective listening isn’t just dependent on our interest in the information. It also has to do with who is delivering the information.

Supervisors and managers have to be particularly conscious of this because they tend to have certain employees they listen to well and others who they don’t listen to as effectively.

Much of this has to do with the judgments you make about people in determining whether they are worth listening to or not. In a manager – subordinate situation I may have already discounted the information the person is going to give me before they start speaking. It could be based on prejudice or past experience with the individual.

The effect is that I will miss out on some potentially useful information and send the message that I really don’t value the person as an individual. As my employee the person will then be less interested in helping me achieve the departmental objectives.

Tips to Improve Your Listening Skills

1. See the other person as having something useful to say even if it means deprogramming some of your past interactions or your own insecurity.
2. Avoid distractions and focus on the person – yes that means not looking at your computer screen or checking your Blackberry or iPhone for a few minutes.
3. Challenge yourself to summarize what the person said to you before adding in your own commentary.

Along with you, I will be applying these tips at home to see the impact it has on a personal level.

Do you want to be less frustrated at work? An engineering manager shared an insight in a leadership course I was teaching a couple of weeks ago. He said that being frustrated is simply a sign that you are avoiding dealing with an issue or concern.  
 
Dictionary.com shows a number of definitions for frustration including: act of being disappointed or thwarted and a feeling of dissatisfaction resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.
 
It would seem at first that your frustration is the fault of someone or something else. That belief can make you feel helpless. Playing the role of victim might garner you some sympathy and yet it rarely results in solving of the underlying problem.
 
Recognize that a majority (approximately 60%) of the people around you are passive. They defend themselves through avoidance and pretending that everything is okay. If you share this passivity you are contributing to the continuation of what frustrates you.
 
Instead of trapping yourself in a cycle of disappointment, why not put the issue on the table constructively and attempt to resolve it? In many cases you will find that the other individual is unaware of your feelings.
 
Action Tips for Being Less Frustrated

• Decide what you want to see happen. Many people know what they DON’T want but do not clearly know what they DO want.
• Meet (not email) with the individual you perceive as the cause of your frustration.
• Explain the situation from your perspective – express yourself clearly and fully.
• Ask the other individual to describe their position.
• Propose a potential solution – be as specific as possible.
• Ask for agreement and deal with any obstacles.
• If you are unsuccessful the first time, be persistent.

If there is no resolution and you decide to live with it, let it go. If you feel strongly enough about it then make a change.

Last Wednesday (May 5th) was McHappy Day at McDonalds Canadian operations. It is a big fundraiser for Ronald McDonald Houses across Canada. I had the priviledge of working as a volunteer that day for the fifth time.
 
I’m guessing they took a look at my performance reviews from 1983 when I worked at McDonalds as a teenager because I was kept far away from the cash register and the cooking grills! While selling balloons and crazy straws for charity I was thinking back to how impressive McDonalds was as an employer.
 
Of course the term McJob has been coined to describe minimum wage service jobs as being at the bottom of the barrel. And yet in this LeaderFeeder I encourage you to compare some of your company practices to see if you can measure up to McDonalds. At least in Canada, the company is extremely well managed and employees are well treated. 
 
What makes McDonalds a facinating study is that it knows in advance that a majority of its employees will only work there for a few years, tops. Given that reality, it might be tempting to skimp on the training, forego performance appraisals and never give a raise. But McDonalds does exactly the opposite.
 
When I started working there, I earned $2.65/hour. I was given two weeks of paid training; some classroom and some on the floor. Some of my friends who worked for other fast food companies didn’t get the same level of training. There were designated trainers whose job it was to get you up to speed on how to do the job correctly and how to keep up with the fast pace.
 
After a few months on the job, my manager sat me down and gave me a formal performance review and a 10 cent raise. At the time I didn’t know how good I had it.
 
How does your company compare?

• Do you provide adequate training so that employees understand both what is expected and how to perform in their jobs?
• Do you provide regular, detailed performance feedback both informally and formally?
• How to you treat your temporary employees? Do they feel that they play a worthy role on the team even though they might not work for you for a long time?

Action Items

• Refrain from maligning so called McJobs, especially if your organization doesn’t measure up to the robust people management practices of McDonalds.
• If you manage in an organization that employs relatively low-skilled employees it doesn’t mean that you should treat them with less respect.
• If you manage higher-skilled and higher-paid staff then you really should be implementing positive and proactive leadership practices. It will help you better manage your business.

As a leader, you are measured on results and those results depend on people taking action.
 
A common frustration is how to get the rest of the organization to buy into ideas more quickly and move forward. It turns out that the primary reason why parts of the organization move as fast as sludge is because of a passive-bias. Keeping this in mind will allow the leader to take a slightly different approach to achieving success. 
 
One of the assessment tools we use with training and coaching participants reveals whether their thinking and behavior is constructive or defensive. Defensiveness is either passive or aggressive or the dreaded passive-aggressive.
 
A majority of the population – approximately 60% are passive-defensive. They protect themselves with avoidance, being dependance on others, trying to get others to accept them and using policies and procedures as a safety net. Therefore, unless you have skewed your hiring and selection, your workforce is 60% passive-defensive. And in fact a number of leadership teams contain passive defensive thinkers as well.
 
Passive defensive employees can lull the leader into a false sense of security. Because passive employees do not express concerns directly they can make the leader think there is buy in and agreement when there isn’t. Meanwhile behind the scenes, the employees commiserate. Relate this to how most people deal with a problem with their meal. They complain about it to their dining companion and when the server comes by and asks how everything is, they say “fine”.
 
You may see the following symptoms that indicate passivity:

• Complaints without solutions.
• Hints about a problem without being direct.
• Saying they will do something and then not doing it.
• Checking in with the leader even when they know what needs to be done.
• Looking busy but not having enough to do.
• Being overly concerned about whether people like and accept them.
• Avoiding conflict and avoiding decisions.
• Wanting to take extra long on a project that only requires a fraction of the time.

As a leader, here is what you can do:

• Listen for hints of problems and dissatisfaction and deal with them directly. In some cases you may even have to say what you think they are thinking to validate it. “I sense that you might have a concern about the project, can you let me know what it is?”
• Consult and ask questions to get input from passive individuals in advance.
• Where possible, give advance notice of what you want in order to avoid surprising people.
• Be specific about what you want and when you want it.
• Explain yourself – give a logical reason why it is necessary to do what you want.
• Deal with concerns or potential concerns to show how your proposed action poses little risk and will help make things letter.
• Ask for a commitment or buy-in instead of assuming there is agreement.

For achievement oriented individuals, this approach will feel excruciatingly slow. However if success is measured by what actually gets done well, this approach will yield better results.

Why aren’t other people be as dedicated and motivated as you are to work hard and get great results?
 
And, if you practice the Golden Rule (Treat others as you would like to be treated), why does that only work with some people and not others?
 
In our recent Front Line Leadership course, when asked what they wanted to get from the course, a third of the participants identified that they wanted some tips and techniques for dealing with a challenging employee.
 
So this week, let’s tackle the Golden Rule and recognize its shortcomings.
 
New leadership video clips are on YouTube – we’re uploading lots of clips to help build your leadership skills. Check out our YouTube channel: http://YouTube/uniquetrainingvideos 
 
Have a great week!
 
The Golden Rule
 
Its pretty straightforward, treat people like you want to be treated, or is it? The underlying assumption is that the people you interact with are motivated in the same way as you are.
 
Of course there is the manager’s version of the Golden Rule, “The Person With the Gold Makes the Rules!”
 
And aggressive managers have their own version, “Do unto others BEFORE they do unto you.”
 
Instead of the Golden Rule, consider practicing the Platinum Rule which is to, “Do unto others as they want and need to be done into.” Treat people as they want and need to be treated.
 
Putting the Platinum Rule into practice
 
- Get to know more about the individuals you work with (Peers), you work for (Boss) and who work for you (Employees). Everyone gives off clues as to what motivates them. Some will be more motivated by the need to fit in, others like recognition and many appreciate new challenges.
 
- Be inquisitive or curious about the behaviors others display and remember that in most cases, the behaviors we see in others are a reflection of how we treat them. This helps explain why some employees can be a thorn in the side of one supervisor and be helpful and positive with another leader.
 
- Make adjustments to your approach to see how it improves the relationships and results.
 
The best illustration I can share is that of a supervisor who attended one of our leadership courses. She had a problem employee and was used to catching that person make mistakes. We challenged her to find one thing the person did that was right and give some positive feedback. It took her three weeks to notice something positive! She said, “Thank you for cleaning up you work area, I appreciate it.”
 
The worker simply grunted, hardly a ringing endorsement. Undeterred, the supervisor continued to notice things that were positive and mention them. She noticed that there were more positive things happening.
 
Over a three month period, she transformed the problem employee who barely made his personal production target and was constantly negative, into a prized employee  who exceeded personal targets and actually helped others be more effective.
 
She learned a powerful leadership lesson. She couldn’t get the employee to change until she herself was willing to change. By looking for strengths, she turned the tone of their relationship from negative to positive.
 
Watch a humorous yet insightful video example of the right and wrong way of correcting an employee who is struggling. 
 
Reflection Questions
 
Are you treating people the way you want to be treated or the way they want to be treated? Are you willing to change your approach to see if greater success is reflected in the other person’s behavior?
 
Action Items

• Identify an individual with whom you don’t naturally get along, or who doesn’t consistently meet your expectations.
• Greet the person warmly each day and engage is some small talk to find out more about them.
• Observe the positive things that person does and build on them.
• Watch to see if the individual’s behavior changes towards you.

Are you addicted to being right? Being right always feels nice but it could be holding you back from greater success. My wife Robin is right about many things and she is kind enough to let me think some of those things are actually my idea. We’ll explore the issue in greater depth below.

Addicted to Being Right
 
Chances are you don’t like being told what to do. Whether it’s your mother, father, spouse, child or boss, you will resist doing what they tell you to do, even if they are right. Same thing happens when you tell people what to do. The resistance to being told what to do resides at both a conscious and below-conscious level.
 
Help other people be right
 
While we resist ideas from outside ourselves, we readily accept our own rationale. Therefore, instead of wanting to take credit for a great idea or waiting for the opportunity to say, “I told you so,” why not help other people come to the conclusion for themselves?
 
There are three primary ways to help other people think through situations for themselves and come to the best solution. Using these tools will help you become a more influential person both at work and at home.

1. Ask questions – When you use open ended questions like How, What, Tell me about… it forces the other person to think and respond. That thinking process helps the other person take ownership of the idea.
2. Tell stories – When you hear, see or read a story, you actually immerse yourself in the story. The saying “Selling is Storytelling” is quite accurate because as the other person inserts themselves into your story, they begin to own the idea for themselves.
3. Use powerful words – When you ask someone to do something, always give them a reason. By inserting the word ‘because’ and giving a reason, you increase the compliance by up to 50% over not giving them a reason. Eliminate the word ‘but’ from your vocabulary. When you use the word ‘but’ you are telling the other person that what they just said is wrong and what you’re about to say is right. Instead use the word ‘and’ to join your thought to theirs. That way the thought becomes theirs and they will act on it more readily.

When you become more persuasive and influential you can smile to yourself knowing that you had the great idea to begin with and feel good knowing that the other person is more committed to taking the desired action.
 
Reflection Questions
 
Is it overly important for you to be seen as being right? Do other people do what you want willingly or do they passively or actively resist your ideas, requests and initiatives?
 
Action Items 

• Realize that greater success can be achieved when other people think an idea is theirs even if you helped them discover the idea for themselves.
• Become an expert question asker and story teller, knowing that these techniques help other people grasp your ideas with greater ease.
• Give people a reason to do what you suggest and instead of arguing, join your ideas to theirs to give them a sense of ownership.

If you are curious about how to become more persuasive and influential, check out our Persuasive and Influential Leadership course with Dr. Peter DeShane on Feb 10th, 2010.  A live workshop and a self-study program is available.

Dear Santa,

I have been a good employee all year and wish that you could help my manager bring me the following gifts this season. They would help me become happier and more productive next year.

1. Give me the gift of clear expectations – help my manager become more clear in what he or she expects of me. I am tired of guessing the expectations and getting limited direction.
2. Give me the gift of regular feedback – rather than wait until my performance review, I wish my manager would give me feedback regularly – daily, weekly and monthly. If he or she gave me regular feedback on what I was doing well or needed to improve, I would do my best to improve.
3. Give me the gift of feeling part of the team – like everyone else I have the need to belong and feel part of the team. Help my manager build a stronger team by treating people fairly, not playing favorites and not talking about people behind their backs.
4. Give me the gift of better communication – help my manager keep me better informed about what is going on. If communication is so important, why does my manager do so little of it? Sure they are busy – typically doing things that we the employees could do if only they would delegate and stop trying to make every decision themselves.
5. Give me the gift of praise and recognition – it’s natural to find faults but please help my manager notice all the good things we are doing and tell us about them more often. We will be more likely to repeat the good things if they are mentioned to us more often. On the other hand when our manager focuses on the negative, we tend to give him more of that. Human behavior is funny, eh Santa?
6. Give me the gift of a challenge to grow my talent – My manager finds it easier to keep giving the same assignments to the same people. He thinks it makes his job easier but it really hurts our flexibility and we want something new to do every once in a while. One of the reasons I will stay in my job is because I can learn something new.
7. Give me the gift of training (and train my boss too!) – Show me I am important by investing in me to do my job better. My manager could benefit from some training too – making my wishes come true. I think even my manager’s manager needs some training because my boss behaves the way his boss expects. In fact most of the behaviors my boss wants to change come all the way from the top!

I will remember to leave out the milk and cookies!

Chances are that you have at least two or three significant and aggravating people issues that you know you SHOULD do something about and haven’t.

A few examples:

• An employee or peer who complains constantly and is “high maintenance.
• A manager who is completely lacking in leadership skills and treats his peers and/or employees with disrespect.
• A supplier who consistently disappoints in delivery or service.
• A customer who is so difficult to keep happy that they are costing you all of your profit margin just to keep them.
• A sales person who will not change his habits, go after new business or hit targets consistently.
• Excuses and reasons for why things cannot and are not being done (even simple things).
• Endless meetings that don’t resolve anything and take up valuable time that could be spent doing something of greater value.
• feel free to add in your own examples here.

If you are a supervisor, manager, executive or business owner you have the ability to resolve these issues. And as an added bonus, when you do resolve the issue, chances are a number of other positive benefits will become evident.

Why do we delay doing something about situations that bug us? The number one reason is that we feel that the effort and aggravation to resolve the issue is going to be worse than simply living with the problem.

See Something, Say Something

When a leader notices a behavior or result that is unacceptable and then proceeds to ignore or defer mentioning it to the individual, they are condoning the behavior and supporting its continuation. Untrained managers and supervisors lack the leadership skills to resolve these issues effectively.

A problem is easiest to resolve when you first notice it. The longer it continues, the deeper the roots grow and the more effort and time you will expend to correct it.

Tips to Tackling the Things You Are Putting Up With

1. Imagine what it will be like to NOT have to put up with it any longer. How much happier will you be? How much happier will the people around you be? How much more money could the organization be saving or generating?
2. Plan out what you need to say, how to say it, when you should address it, if you need someone else to help you and even consider practicing or role playing the conversation ahead of time. If you think resolving the situation could result in termination, strategize with HR in advance and get the support of your manager.
3. Think about the likely objections, excuses, deflections or reasons the other person will use to avoid taking responsibility for his actions. Determine what your response will be.
4. Have the conversation. In all cases, discussion in private is warranted. The person will be defensive enough in private, let alone if you attempt to correct them in front of others.
5. For future aggravations, follow the See Something, Say Something rule and address issues earlier.

In many cases you will discover that the discussion is much easier than you expected, the situation will tend to improve almost instantly and you will be wishing you had done it much sooner.

I probably shouldn’t have been thinking about business when I was supposed to be enjoying a meal out with my wife and daughter. We headed down to the closest location of a national italian restaurant chain. Based on previous experiences, it wasn’t my first choice.

I should have trusted my gut. The men’s washroom was littered with paper towel, the service was slow and the staff were frazzled. This wasn’t an isolated incident; previous visits had exposed similar poor performance.

Another location in the same chain had a totally different feel. Staff were happy, service was fast and as customers we were happy. While I didn’t have actual data, one outlet certainly looked busier than the other.

How can it be that two locations of the same chain in different cities could have such a different customer experience? Sites are selected using strict criteria and there are standard operating procedures. So what would explain the difference? Leadership.

In our experience a weak manager or supervisor will cause differences in profitability, sales, costs, cleanliness, morale and turnover. This variation doesn’t just show up in restaurants. It applies to retail stores, factories, production lines and engineering groups.

What leadership behaviors lead to these variations in performance?

1. Expectations: A weak manager doesn’t make his or her expectations known clearly to all staff. Without clear standards, performance tends to drop to the bare minimum.
2. Hiring: A manager will contribute to his or her own demise be being less selective in hiring decisions, poor interviewing skills and deviating from standard procedures and guidelines.
3. Training: Weak managers will either omit training or delegate training to staff members who are not qualified to teach the company system.
4. Monitoring: Managers need to personally observe performance and make sure staff are doing what is expected, correct unacceptable performance and provide encouragement.
5. Communication: Weak managers spend less time speaking with staff one on one and in team meetings.