As you might imagine, as a paid expert on communication and leadership, I get some well earned ribbing at home from my wife Robin because of my poor listening skills as a husband and father. Once I made the comment that she just didn’t pay me as well as my client’s did for me to be a good listener. After a few days in the dog house I understood that payment can be in many different forms.

How can I be a very good listener in selling and coaching situations and so poor at it at home?

In the same way, my teenage children can be remarkably poor listeners at times and yet hear the faintest whispers of a private conversation I’m having with my wife.

Perhaps you suffer from the same affliction – selective listening. Chances are when your boss or a customer is communicating you pay more attention and you may even lean in to hear a juicy bit of gossip. And yet when a coworker or employee approaches you, your listening skills plummet.

It turns out our selective listening isn’t just dependent on our interest in the information. It also has to do with who is delivering the information.

Supervisors and managers have to be particularly conscious of this because they tend to have certain employees they listen to well and others who they don’t listen to as effectively.

Much of this has to do with the judgments you make about people in determining whether they are worth listening to or not. In a manager – subordinate situation I may have already discounted the information the person is going to give me before they start speaking. It could be based on prejudice or past experience with the individual.

The effect is that I will miss out on some potentially useful information and send the message that I really don’t value the person as an individual. As my employee the person will then be less interested in helping me achieve the departmental objectives.

Tips to Improve Your Listening Skills

1. See the other person as having something useful to say even if it means deprogramming some of your past interactions or your own insecurity.
2. Avoid distractions and focus on the person – yes that means not looking at your computer screen or checking your Blackberry or iPhone for a few minutes.
3. Challenge yourself to summarize what the person said to you before adding in your own commentary.

Along with you, I will be applying these tips at home to see the impact it has on a personal level.

Do you want to be less frustrated at work? An engineering manager shared an insight in a leadership course I was teaching a couple of weeks ago. He said that being frustrated is simply a sign that you are avoiding dealing with an issue or concern.  
 
Dictionary.com shows a number of definitions for frustration including: act of being disappointed or thwarted and a feeling of dissatisfaction resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.
 
It would seem at first that your frustration is the fault of someone or something else. That belief can make you feel helpless. Playing the role of victim might garner you some sympathy and yet it rarely results in solving of the underlying problem.
 
Recognize that a majority (approximately 60%) of the people around you are passive. They defend themselves through avoidance and pretending that everything is okay. If you share this passivity you are contributing to the continuation of what frustrates you.
 
Instead of trapping yourself in a cycle of disappointment, why not put the issue on the table constructively and attempt to resolve it? In many cases you will find that the other individual is unaware of your feelings.
 
Action Tips for Being Less Frustrated

• Decide what you want to see happen. Many people know what they DON’T want but do not clearly know what they DO want.
• Meet (not email) with the individual you perceive as the cause of your frustration.
• Explain the situation from your perspective – express yourself clearly and fully.
• Ask the other individual to describe their position.
• Propose a potential solution – be as specific as possible.
• Ask for agreement and deal with any obstacles.
• If you are unsuccessful the first time, be persistent.

If there is no resolution and you decide to live with it, let it go. If you feel strongly enough about it then make a change.

One confusing aspect of leadership is that even with the best of intentions, you might end up creating the exact opposite reaction.
 
I have experienced this many times as a husband-in-training. We’ll examine the most common leadership missteps you might not even realize you are committing.
 
Even well intentioned leaders will create exactly the opposite reaction to what they had originally expected. Here are some of the most common examples:
 
Punishing Good Performers and Rewarding Bad Performers
 
Leaders do this by heaping more work on good performers while poor performers are rewarded with lower expectations. Initially, this may appear to be the right strategy, after all you need to get the work done. Over time your good employees become resentful and slack off when they realize you won’t confront the poor performers. Balance the workload so that good performers and poor performers are treated equally. Confront your poor performers and implement strategies to elevate their performance.
 
Being Too Helpful
 
When leaders give people answers to every question they may be hurting the team. Giving answers seems helpful at first until you realize that over time you are creating a dependent work team who can’t make decisions without running them by you first. Challenge your people to think for themselves and watch them grow while your stress level drops.
 
Thinking That Avoidance will Preserve Friendships
 
Leaders are often promoted from within and they try to preserve friendships by holding back negative feedback. Would a friend hold back information that could impact their friend’s employment? By ignoring an obvious performance issue, the friendly leader is setting up their worker friend for bigger trouble when the manager has to take care of the problem. A casual comment or question will usually take care of the problem and preserve the friendship.
 
Focusing Too Much on Extroverts and Ignoring Introverts
 
Extroverted, off the cuff thinkers often get promoted. The workplace tends to place greater value on more outspoken individuals. In terms of quality however, introverts often take the time to think more about questions before responding. Just because they don’t volunteer information quickly doesn’t mean they don’t have some insightful opinions. Take the time to harvest the good ideas growing in your more introverted team members.
 
Reflection Questions
 
Do you occasionally scratch your head wondering why your employees are not reacting the way you had intended or hoped? Could you be creating the very reaction you didn’t want?
 
Action Items

• Take time to reflect on how you might be creating the very reactions you do not desire.
• Read or take courses to learn more about how to have a constructive leadership approach.
• Experiment with different approaches to see how it impacts the outcome.

I had some exciting news last week. The book I co-authored with my father Irwin reached number 8 on the Globe and Mail Business Books Bestseller List.  The book is Employees Not Doing What You Expect and has now been published in India, Latin America and Korea.
 
Now we return to our regularly scheduled LeaderFeeder…
 
Do you see people or objects? A colleague of mine Owen Thornton wrote an interesting piece in his Human Kindness Project blog on the fact that our view of the world is defined by our sedimentation (the accumulation of all our life experiences.) These experiences create biases that either interfere or enhance our life and business success.
 
It prompted me to reflect back on two books I had read a few months ago that can impact how leaders view their followers. We can view people as people or we can view them as objects.
 
On a personal level it reminded me to avoid taking my wife, children, clients and suppliers for granted.  More on that below.
 
In May, we’re offering the Front Line Leadership course in London, Ontario, Mississauga, Ontario and Chatham, Ontario.
 
Have a great week!
 
People or Objects?
 
There is an easier way and a harder way to get results as a leader. The easy way is where you have a team of people around you who want to help you achieve results, even in difficult circumstances. The hard way is to push and demand results from your team. Because they don’t want to see you succeed, they find a way of only doing the bare minimum to get you off their back.
 
So what makes employees want to help their boss succeed? Part of the answer lies in whether the boss treats them like people or like objects.
 
Thanks to a client of mine (Pam H.) who recommended I read two excellent books from the Arbinger Institute: Leadership and Self Deception and The Anatomy of Peace. The central theme in both books is whether you see others around you as people or as objects and how that view of others distorts reality.

This concept really hit home for me personally as I can sense that at times I can view my wife, children, friends and even clients as objects instead of people. I can be less sensitive and intuitive as I should be.

When we see others as objects, we dehumanize them. This often makes us feel superior in our own beliefs and behavior and become judgmental about the motives of others.

For example when you are driving and another driver cuts you off, you might think to yourself, “What a jerk!” In fact the other person might be perfectly nice 95% of the time and did something jerk-like 5% of the time. You might also occasionally do something inconsiderate towards someone and not really be a jerk.

In reality television the producer and editor can make someone look either intelligent or buffoon-like depending on which clips and sound bites they show and which clips they leave unseen and unheard. Think about having yourself video recorded 24/7 and how you could be made to look either brilliant or stupid depending on which clips others saw.

As a leader, when you see your employees as human beings, you can appreciate that they have strengths and weaknesses just like you. How you treat them will make a big difference in your success as a leader.

Reflection Questions
 
Do the people around you want to see you succeed or do they actively or passively resist your goals and ambitions? How could being more personable build stronger business and personal relationships?
 
Action Items

• Reflect on your view of others. Chances are that you unconditionally accept some people while being more judgmental towards others.
• Replace judgement with curiosity to discover more about your team.
• Take time to get to know people and build relationships.
• Become the type of leader who earns loyalty and respect instead of demanding it.

It was school break week in our area last week. We took a day trip to nearby Niagara Falls. My wife Robin made an interesting observation as we drove. She pointed out that my son Ryan is “destination focused” while my daughter Rebecca is focused more on “the Journey.”
 
The same thing can apply in your business – are you destination driven or do you enjoy the journey along the way?
 
Destination or Journey?
 
Many of the high achievers I know are very destination driven. They are focused on specific things they want to achieve within a specific time frame. Many have achieved tremendous success in terms of career, finances and growing their businesses.
 
Some of the more laid back and introspective people I know are focused more on the journey rather than the destination. They want to live life to the fullest and find enjoyment in the nuances of life. They enjoy taking different paths and trying new things just for the fun and the learning.
 
 
I’m glad we have some destination focused people because their tenacity and determination help break through obstacles and achieve what many think is impossible.
 
It’s also refreshing to have journey focused people who take time to smell the roses and feel much can be learned from life along the way to the destination.
 
Your organization is likely made stronger by having both types of people. Too many destination people and you could end up with a cold, efficient operation with no heart. Too many journey people and the organization can drift off course.
 
Reflection Questions
 
Are you destination or journey focused? Can you appreciate the differences in those who see the world differently from you?
 
Action Items

• Observe those you work and play with. Are they destination focused or journey focused?
• Help each of the two types realize that both perspectives are valuable in different situations and at different times.
• See if you can enjoy the journey while you strive for the destination.

Why aren’t other people be as dedicated and motivated as you are to work hard and get great results?
 
And, if you practice the Golden Rule (Treat others as you would like to be treated), why does that only work with some people and not others?
 
In our recent Front Line Leadership course, when asked what they wanted to get from the course, a third of the participants identified that they wanted some tips and techniques for dealing with a challenging employee.
 
So this week, let’s tackle the Golden Rule and recognize its shortcomings.
 
New leadership video clips are on YouTube – we’re uploading lots of clips to help build your leadership skills. Check out our YouTube channel: http://YouTube/uniquetrainingvideos 
 
Have a great week!
 
The Golden Rule
 
Its pretty straightforward, treat people like you want to be treated, or is it? The underlying assumption is that the people you interact with are motivated in the same way as you are.
 
Of course there is the manager’s version of the Golden Rule, “The Person With the Gold Makes the Rules!”
 
And aggressive managers have their own version, “Do unto others BEFORE they do unto you.”
 
Instead of the Golden Rule, consider practicing the Platinum Rule which is to, “Do unto others as they want and need to be done into.” Treat people as they want and need to be treated.
 
Putting the Platinum Rule into practice
 
- Get to know more about the individuals you work with (Peers), you work for (Boss) and who work for you (Employees). Everyone gives off clues as to what motivates them. Some will be more motivated by the need to fit in, others like recognition and many appreciate new challenges.
 
- Be inquisitive or curious about the behaviors others display and remember that in most cases, the behaviors we see in others are a reflection of how we treat them. This helps explain why some employees can be a thorn in the side of one supervisor and be helpful and positive with another leader.
 
- Make adjustments to your approach to see how it improves the relationships and results.
 
The best illustration I can share is that of a supervisor who attended one of our leadership courses. She had a problem employee and was used to catching that person make mistakes. We challenged her to find one thing the person did that was right and give some positive feedback. It took her three weeks to notice something positive! She said, “Thank you for cleaning up you work area, I appreciate it.”
 
The worker simply grunted, hardly a ringing endorsement. Undeterred, the supervisor continued to notice things that were positive and mention them. She noticed that there were more positive things happening.
 
Over a three month period, she transformed the problem employee who barely made his personal production target and was constantly negative, into a prized employee  who exceeded personal targets and actually helped others be more effective.
 
She learned a powerful leadership lesson. She couldn’t get the employee to change until she herself was willing to change. By looking for strengths, she turned the tone of their relationship from negative to positive.
 
Watch a humorous yet insightful video example of the right and wrong way of correcting an employee who is struggling. 
 
Reflection Questions
 
Are you treating people the way you want to be treated or the way they want to be treated? Are you willing to change your approach to see if greater success is reflected in the other person’s behavior?
 
Action Items

• Identify an individual with whom you don’t naturally get along, or who doesn’t consistently meet your expectations.
• Greet the person warmly each day and engage is some small talk to find out more about them.
• Observe the positive things that person does and build on them.
• Watch to see if the individual’s behavior changes towards you.

Lately I’ve had the pleasure of coaching a number of managers who are aggressive or abrasive. That’s right I said pleasure!
 
How can it be that these challenging individuals can be great to work with? In this week’s LeaderFeeder I want to share some insights and ideas for you, including the concept of relative vs. absolute abrasiveness. 
 
Relative Abrasiveness
 
Think of Aggressive/Abrasive behaviour as a continuum. At the extreme far end is a sociopathic narcissist. At the other end is passive/wimpiness.
 
None of my coaching clients is ABSOLUTELY abrasive or aggressive. They are RELATIVELY abrasive compared with the culture of the organization they work in.
 
In many cases, they were specifically recruited to turn around situations, departments or divisions that were off track. Initially their tenacity for solving problems pays large dividends. Unfortunately their style can really irritate other people and after the big problems are solved, people focus less on the results and more on the behaviour.
 
In fact when we measure the thinking and behaviour of these abrasive managers we sometimes discover that they are very constructive individuals operating in a very passive culture. Because the abrasive manager is task focused, he or she can be insensitive to the impact they have on people.
 
Instead of vilifying these aggressive managers, perhaps the organization needs to look in the mirror to see if the overall culture is too passive. By working together, the organization can benefit from being more results-focused and the aggressive manager can shift to being more people sensitive.
 
Conflict in itself is not bad. It is essential for effectiveness in organizations and relationships. Managing the conflict constructively is the best way to get maximum benefit from the aggressive manager while minimizing collateral damage to the organization.
 
Reflection Questions
 
Are the aggressive/abrasive people you know absolutely evil or is the corporate culture too soft which only serves to highlight the person’s task focus? Should your organization embrace accountability while at the same time taming the abrasive manager?
 
Action Items 

• View the individuals you find abrasive or aggressive with curiosity instead of judgement.
• Determine if the organization would benefit from being more task/results driven.
• Realize that is often impossible to reach absolute equilibrium between people and tasks.

Are you addicted to being right? Being right always feels nice but it could be holding you back from greater success. My wife Robin is right about many things and she is kind enough to let me think some of those things are actually my idea. We’ll explore the issue in greater depth below.

Addicted to Being Right
 
Chances are you don’t like being told what to do. Whether it’s your mother, father, spouse, child or boss, you will resist doing what they tell you to do, even if they are right. Same thing happens when you tell people what to do. The resistance to being told what to do resides at both a conscious and below-conscious level.
 
Help other people be right
 
While we resist ideas from outside ourselves, we readily accept our own rationale. Therefore, instead of wanting to take credit for a great idea or waiting for the opportunity to say, “I told you so,” why not help other people come to the conclusion for themselves?
 
There are three primary ways to help other people think through situations for themselves and come to the best solution. Using these tools will help you become a more influential person both at work and at home.

1. Ask questions – When you use open ended questions like How, What, Tell me about… it forces the other person to think and respond. That thinking process helps the other person take ownership of the idea.
2. Tell stories – When you hear, see or read a story, you actually immerse yourself in the story. The saying “Selling is Storytelling” is quite accurate because as the other person inserts themselves into your story, they begin to own the idea for themselves.
3. Use powerful words – When you ask someone to do something, always give them a reason. By inserting the word ‘because’ and giving a reason, you increase the compliance by up to 50% over not giving them a reason. Eliminate the word ‘but’ from your vocabulary. When you use the word ‘but’ you are telling the other person that what they just said is wrong and what you’re about to say is right. Instead use the word ‘and’ to join your thought to theirs. That way the thought becomes theirs and they will act on it more readily.

When you become more persuasive and influential you can smile to yourself knowing that you had the great idea to begin with and feel good knowing that the other person is more committed to taking the desired action.
 
Reflection Questions
 
Is it overly important for you to be seen as being right? Do other people do what you want willingly or do they passively or actively resist your ideas, requests and initiatives?
 
Action Items 

• Realize that greater success can be achieved when other people think an idea is theirs even if you helped them discover the idea for themselves.
• Become an expert question asker and story teller, knowing that these techniques help other people grasp your ideas with greater ease.
• Give people a reason to do what you suggest and instead of arguing, join your ideas to theirs to give them a sense of ownership.

If you are curious about how to become more persuasive and influential, check out our Persuasive and Influential Leadership course with Dr. Peter DeShane on Feb 10th, 2010.  A live workshop and a self-study program is available.

Have you experienced the situation where you think you have been clear in communicating what you want and need, only to be disappointed and frustrated when others do not buy in enthusiastically? Even the most thought-out, logical arguments might create unexpected resistance. 

That’s exactly why Dr. Peter DeShane and I collaborated to create a brand new 8 CD and one DVD self-study program called Persuasive and Influential Leadership. Based on the successful live workshop, this self-paced program covers the advanced communication skills you need to get others to do what you need to get done, willingly. 

The program is based on the science of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) which studies the link between how you think and how you communicate.
 
Key Benefits 

• Achieve greater results in less time with less resistance.- Help others adapt to change more easily.
• Get ready for promotion because you are able to get things done through others.
• Reduce conflict by positioning your information to be acceptable to everyone.

 

What the Program Covers: 

• The influence of existing habits both for you and the people around you.
• How to build instant rapport with almost anyone, including people who you don’t naturally click with.
• The science of resistance – why people resist even when they acknowledge the need to change. How to position information so that people think of it as their idea and are more committed.
• Why logic often fails to persuade and how to position information in a way that others can accept both logically and emotionally.
• Why people are naturally programmed to resist change because it causes a disruption to habits – and how to get them to buy in more readily.
• Three main ways people process information and how to identify and adapt to their dominant processing style.
• How to adapt to people who speak much faster than you do, or who speak much slower than you do.
• The power of stories – how to craft your key messages into powerful stories that help people relate to your message on a personal level.
• Using email more effectively to build rapport electronically.
• Using specific words that are proven to create greater commitment by others to do what you want.
• How to overcome obstacles that keep people from moving ahead.
• and much more.

Edutainment 

The program is delivered in an entertaining and engaging way. You will enjoy the conversational style that Greg and Peter use. It will be as if they are sitting with you one on one. You will want to listen to the content again and again to master the skills of influence. 

What is Included 

1. Four audio CD’s covering the core course concepts.
2. A comprehensive workbook that reinforces the key course concepts.
3. An application CD on How to Deal with Difficult People
4. An application CD on how technical roles can communicate with non-technical people.
5. An application CD on Sales. How to get customer buy in more quickly and easily.
6. An application CD for Human Resource Professionals to keep the organization moving forward with positive employee relations practices.
7. A one-hour DVD that demonstrates the course material visually so you can grasp and use the program more easily.

 

Four Application CD’s 

Recognizing that different professions and situations can require different approaches we have recorded four application CD’s that take the core program concepts and focus them on these areas: 

1. Dealing With Difficult People – Once you learn why people are difficult you can alter your approach to get them to buy in more easily. Imagine taking a person who always is oppositional and turning them into your biggest supporter! Less resistance means less stress on you plus the ability to get more done.
2. Technical Professions – Information technology, engineers and other technical roles can struggle with communicating complex information to other areas of the organization. In this application CD we present a systematic approach to presenting technical solutions in a framework that others can support with enthusiasm. Greater buy-in will move projects along faster and get necessary support to new projects.
3. Sales – Sales professionals and others who deal with customers as part of their role will benefit from this application CD that specifically addresses how to get customers to buy into your proposal and how to really determine the level of interest your customer has in your solution. Get customer buy in more easily in order to grow sales.
4. HR – HR professionals often face two challenges. First they need to convince other managers to treat employees with respect and secondly they often have to mediate employee requests and concerns while reinforcing company policy. This application CD gives HR professionals the skills they need to get buy-in more quickly and help the organization achieve success.

 

A DVD shows you how: 

A one hour DVD provides a visual demonstration of the key concepts which will help you grasp the information more quickly and easily. The DVD was produced into a one-hour cable television special and has earned top reviews. 

The investment: 

The entire program is US$339.95. FREE SHIPPING  

Guarantee: We are acredited with the Better Business Bureau so you can rest easy that we will fully refund your purchase price if you are unhappy with the program for any reason within six months of purchase. Simply return it to us and your refund will be processed immediately. 

Order the Program today: 

One time payment of US$339.95 plus Goods and Services Tax 5%.

Call us toll free at 1-866-700-9043 or email info@uniquedevelopment.com 

Managing Conflict is one of the top internet searches that brings people to our website. Most clients have the topic included in the leadership training we provide to managers, supervisors and team leaders.

Many workshop participants associate the word conflict with negative words like arguement, war, battle, disagreement and frustration.

Instead we could view conflict more constructively as being essential for effective organizations and relationships. Conflict is normal and natural, especially with regard to change. Because change involves moving away from the status quo, it can create a difference of opinion and it can stir defensive reactions.

Defensiveness is natural and appears in one of two forms: Passive/Victim thinking – the conflict might hurt me so I will lay low. Or Aggressive/Competitive – I will aggressively argue in hopes of winning the conflict.

Instead, leaders should view conflict as an opportunity to lead people through what may initially appear to be an irreconcilable difference in opinion.

Seven steps on how to lead others through conflict

1. Check your own thinking: Does conflict stir an aggressive response in you, a passive/victim response or can you view conflict objectively in order to help others overcome their defensiveness? If you do not have control of your own reaction, you will be less able to help others. During the safety briefing on an airplane, you are told to put your own mask on first, before helping someone else with his or her’s. The same concept applies to conflict.
2. Put the issue on the table early: Describe what you see as the issue that is creating the conflict or might create conflict in the future. Leaders do not try and avoid difficult issues; instead they believe that getting issues out early is the best way to avoid escalation.
3. Name the reaction you see in others: Being able to articulate the reaction you are seeing in others is key to helping them neutralize their defensiveness. To an aggressive person, you can say, “I see you are upset/angry about this.” To a quieter person, you can say, “I sense this is not okay with you, is that the case?”
4. Acknowledge that the reaction is reasonable: Instead of immediately presenting a counter arguement, consider telling the person that you understand why they feel the way they do. “It’s perfectly understandable to be upset about this.”
5. Reframe to show a different perspective: “Another way we could look at this is…” or “I think we share the desire to get the best possible outcome from this situation.”
6. Propose potential solutions – “What if we were able to look at some of the concerns you have, determine how likely they are to happen and the impact on the process and then see if we need to tweak the solution to address those needs?” or “Right now this is what needs to happen because of the business conditions we face. However, we could sit down and review the situation as circumstances change to see if a new alternative emerges.”
7. Get agreement and commitment to action: After each discussion, agree on what the next step is. Even if the action is simply to review the situation again in 30 days, at least there is a sense of doing something. In a situation where the leader has little control or influence, there is still an opportunity to monitor future changes and see if additional options will emerge down the road. Avoid commiting to something you cannot do because it can create an even larger conflict in the future.

No Complaints Does Not Constitute Agreement

Sometimes a leader will assume that everyone is in agreement because no one is complaining directly. Passive or victim thinking causes people to commiserate and hint at their concern. The leader must be alert to these more subtle signs of conflict. It takes longer to get a quieter person to express his or her concerns. The reward for the leader in being proactive at bringing out and resolving these quieter concerns is that passive people tend to congregate together.

Do Your Leaders Need to Learn How to Deal with Conflict Constructively?

Consider our half-day or full-day workshop Workshop Outline delivered on-site. Send us an email info@uniquedevelopment.com or call us toll free at 1-866-700-9043 and we will see if there is a fit between your need and our solution.