As you might imagine, as a paid expert on communication and leadership, I get some well earned ribbing at home from my wife Robin because of my poor listening skills as a husband and father. Once I made the comment that she just didn’t pay me as well as my client’s did for me to be a good listener. After a few days in the dog house I understood that payment can be in many different forms.

How can I be a very good listener in selling and coaching situations and so poor at it at home?

In the same way, my teenage children can be remarkably poor listeners at times and yet hear the faintest whispers of a private conversation I’m having with my wife.

Perhaps you suffer from the same affliction – selective listening. Chances are when your boss or a customer is communicating you pay more attention and you may even lean in to hear a juicy bit of gossip. And yet when a coworker or employee approaches you, your listening skills plummet.

It turns out our selective listening isn’t just dependent on our interest in the information. It also has to do with who is delivering the information.

Supervisors and managers have to be particularly conscious of this because they tend to have certain employees they listen to well and others who they don’t listen to as effectively.

Much of this has to do with the judgments you make about people in determining whether they are worth listening to or not. In a manager – subordinate situation I may have already discounted the information the person is going to give me before they start speaking. It could be based on prejudice or past experience with the individual.

The effect is that I will miss out on some potentially useful information and send the message that I really don’t value the person as an individual. As my employee the person will then be less interested in helping me achieve the departmental objectives.

Tips to Improve Your Listening Skills

1. See the other person as having something useful to say even if it means deprogramming some of your past interactions or your own insecurity.
2. Avoid distractions and focus on the person – yes that means not looking at your computer screen or checking your Blackberry or iPhone for a few minutes.
3. Challenge yourself to summarize what the person said to you before adding in your own commentary.

Along with you, I will be applying these tips at home to see the impact it has on a personal level.

Are you addicted to being right? Being right always feels nice but it could be holding you back from greater success. My wife Robin is right about many things and she is kind enough to let me think some of those things are actually my idea. We’ll explore the issue in greater depth below.

Addicted to Being Right
 
Chances are you don’t like being told what to do. Whether it’s your mother, father, spouse, child or boss, you will resist doing what they tell you to do, even if they are right. Same thing happens when you tell people what to do. The resistance to being told what to do resides at both a conscious and below-conscious level.
 
Help other people be right
 
While we resist ideas from outside ourselves, we readily accept our own rationale. Therefore, instead of wanting to take credit for a great idea or waiting for the opportunity to say, “I told you so,” why not help other people come to the conclusion for themselves?
 
There are three primary ways to help other people think through situations for themselves and come to the best solution. Using these tools will help you become a more influential person both at work and at home.

1. Ask questions – When you use open ended questions like How, What, Tell me about… it forces the other person to think and respond. That thinking process helps the other person take ownership of the idea.
2. Tell stories – When you hear, see or read a story, you actually immerse yourself in the story. The saying “Selling is Storytelling” is quite accurate because as the other person inserts themselves into your story, they begin to own the idea for themselves.
3. Use powerful words – When you ask someone to do something, always give them a reason. By inserting the word ‘because’ and giving a reason, you increase the compliance by up to 50% over not giving them a reason. Eliminate the word ‘but’ from your vocabulary. When you use the word ‘but’ you are telling the other person that what they just said is wrong and what you’re about to say is right. Instead use the word ‘and’ to join your thought to theirs. That way the thought becomes theirs and they will act on it more readily.

When you become more persuasive and influential you can smile to yourself knowing that you had the great idea to begin with and feel good knowing that the other person is more committed to taking the desired action.
 
Reflection Questions
 
Is it overly important for you to be seen as being right? Do other people do what you want willingly or do they passively or actively resist your ideas, requests and initiatives?
 
Action Items 

• Realize that greater success can be achieved when other people think an idea is theirs even if you helped them discover the idea for themselves.
• Become an expert question asker and story teller, knowing that these techniques help other people grasp your ideas with greater ease.
• Give people a reason to do what you suggest and instead of arguing, join your ideas to theirs to give them a sense of ownership.

If you are curious about how to become more persuasive and influential, check out our Persuasive and Influential Leadership course with Dr. Peter DeShane on Feb 10th, 2010.  A live workshop and a self-study program is available.

Have you experienced the situation where you think you have been clear in communicating what you want and need, only to be disappointed and frustrated when others do not buy in enthusiastically? Even the most thought-out, logical arguments might create unexpected resistance. 

That’s exactly why Dr. Peter DeShane and I collaborated to create a brand new 8 CD and one DVD self-study program called Persuasive and Influential Leadership. Based on the successful live workshop, this self-paced program covers the advanced communication skills you need to get others to do what you need to get done, willingly. 

The program is based on the science of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) which studies the link between how you think and how you communicate.
 
Key Benefits 

• Achieve greater results in less time with less resistance.- Help others adapt to change more easily.
• Get ready for promotion because you are able to get things done through others.
• Reduce conflict by positioning your information to be acceptable to everyone.

 

What the Program Covers: 

• The influence of existing habits both for you and the people around you.
• How to build instant rapport with almost anyone, including people who you don’t naturally click with.
• The science of resistance – why people resist even when they acknowledge the need to change. How to position information so that people think of it as their idea and are more committed.
• Why logic often fails to persuade and how to position information in a way that others can accept both logically and emotionally.
• Why people are naturally programmed to resist change because it causes a disruption to habits – and how to get them to buy in more readily.
• Three main ways people process information and how to identify and adapt to their dominant processing style.
• How to adapt to people who speak much faster than you do, or who speak much slower than you do.
• The power of stories – how to craft your key messages into powerful stories that help people relate to your message on a personal level.
• Using email more effectively to build rapport electronically.
• Using specific words that are proven to create greater commitment by others to do what you want.
• How to overcome obstacles that keep people from moving ahead.
• and much more.

Edutainment 

The program is delivered in an entertaining and engaging way. You will enjoy the conversational style that Greg and Peter use. It will be as if they are sitting with you one on one. You will want to listen to the content again and again to master the skills of influence. 

What is Included 

1. Four audio CD’s covering the core course concepts.
2. A comprehensive workbook that reinforces the key course concepts.
3. An application CD on How to Deal with Difficult People
4. An application CD on how technical roles can communicate with non-technical people.
5. An application CD on Sales. How to get customer buy in more quickly and easily.
6. An application CD for Human Resource Professionals to keep the organization moving forward with positive employee relations practices.
7. A one-hour DVD that demonstrates the course material visually so you can grasp and use the program more easily.

 

Four Application CD’s 

Recognizing that different professions and situations can require different approaches we have recorded four application CD’s that take the core program concepts and focus them on these areas: 

1. Dealing With Difficult People – Once you learn why people are difficult you can alter your approach to get them to buy in more easily. Imagine taking a person who always is oppositional and turning them into your biggest supporter! Less resistance means less stress on you plus the ability to get more done.
2. Technical Professions – Information technology, engineers and other technical roles can struggle with communicating complex information to other areas of the organization. In this application CD we present a systematic approach to presenting technical solutions in a framework that others can support with enthusiasm. Greater buy-in will move projects along faster and get necessary support to new projects.
3. Sales – Sales professionals and others who deal with customers as part of their role will benefit from this application CD that specifically addresses how to get customers to buy into your proposal and how to really determine the level of interest your customer has in your solution. Get customer buy in more easily in order to grow sales.
4. HR – HR professionals often face two challenges. First they need to convince other managers to treat employees with respect and secondly they often have to mediate employee requests and concerns while reinforcing company policy. This application CD gives HR professionals the skills they need to get buy-in more quickly and help the organization achieve success.

 

A DVD shows you how: 

A one hour DVD provides a visual demonstration of the key concepts which will help you grasp the information more quickly and easily. The DVD was produced into a one-hour cable television special and has earned top reviews. 

The investment: 

The entire program is US$339.95. FREE SHIPPING  

Guarantee: We are acredited with the Better Business Bureau so you can rest easy that we will fully refund your purchase price if you are unhappy with the program for any reason within six months of purchase. Simply return it to us and your refund will be processed immediately. 

Order the Program today: 

One time payment of US$339.95 plus Goods and Services Tax 5%.

Call us toll free at 1-866-700-9043 or email info@uniquedevelopment.com